You Asked: What Can We Do to Stop Rape?

A reader asks what we can do to stop rape. This question is very important to me having spent nearly 20 years treating child and adolescent victims of sexual assault and abuse.  It's also timely because April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. And awareness is the first step in preventing rape.

Let's start with some basic facts and then look at prevention. Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity (including rape) in which the victim is forced, threatened, doesn't consent, or is not capable of giving consent. Regardless of the victim's statements or actions, it is sexual assault if she or he is too young, drunk, drugged, or mentally impaired to legally consent to sex.

According to the most comprehensive, representative survey in the United States--the National Violence Against Women Survey:

• 1 of every 6 women (17.6%) and 1 of every 33 men (3%) have been raped at some time in their lives.
• The majority of the victims were younger than 18 years old when they were raped (females - 54%; males - 71%).
• Most disturbingly, many victims were less than 12 years old when they were raped (girls - 21.6%; boys - 48%).
• Girls under the age of 12 were most likely to be victimized by relatives. The girls ages 12 to 17 were more likely to be victimized by intimates and acquaintances. Women were more likely to be raped by intimates.
• Boys and men are more likely to be raped by acquaintances at all ages.

There are three basic approaches to preventing rape. The most common places the burden on potential victims to protect themselves. Some of the safety precautions are the same as for other violent crimes: Keep doors and windows locked (at home and in the car); don't open the door or go somewhere with strangers; and don't walk alone in isolated places (daytime or night). Although these actions can help prevent stranger rapes, most sexual assaults (80%) are committed by someone the victim knows--a boyfriend or girlfriend, relative, friend or acquaintance.

The following tips from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network's "Preventing Acquaintance Rape-A Safety Guide for Teens" apply also to young adults:

• Expect respect and keep away from people who don’t show you respect.
• Be clear about your limits: let the other person know what you want and don’t want to do. You have the right to change your mind, to say “no,” or to agree to some sexual activities and not to others.
• Don’t allow a person to touch you if it makes you uncomfortable. If your limits are reached or you sense danger, speak your mind and act immediately. Make a scene if necessary.
• Avoid excessive drinking or drugs. They reduce your ability to think and communicate clearly. Being drunk or high does not give anyone permission to assault you.
• Pour your own beverage and keep it in sight. Date rape drugs can be put into drinks and are often undetectable.
• Don’t hang out in places that keep you isolated from others. Although you may feel you can take care of yourself, it is always wise to be careful.
• Trust your instincts. If you feel that a person is not trustworthy or a situation is unsafe, leave.
• Have a back-up plan. For example, if you’re going out to a party in a different neighborhood, make sure someone you trust knows where you’re going. Have a person you can call to come and get you if you need to leave without your original ride.

A second prevention approach is to reach teen boys and young men before they commit rape. Men Can Stop Rape is one organization dedicated to this effort. Their program, Men of Strength (MOST) Club, is considered the premier primary prevention program for male youth in the country. It provides high school age and college age young men with a structured and supportive space to learn about healthy masculinity and redefine male strength.

The third approach is through law enforcement. Unfortunately, only 39% of rapes and sexual assaults are ever reported to the police. Partly due to the difficulty of investigating and prosecuting these crimes, only 16% of reports result in a perpetrator serving time in prison. Factoring in unreported rapes, only 6% of rapists end up in prison. The rest are free to repeat their crimes. One way to increase convictions is for more police and prosecutors to receive specialized training in sex crimes. Media attention and community pressure can help push local authorities into pursuing this training if they have not already done so.

So what can you do? Continue to educate yourself. Help raise awareness. Teach potential victims ways to protect themselves. Educate potential perpetrators through men's antiviolence programs. If you are a parent, talk to your children and teens about safety and healthy dating relationships. Encourage victims to report rape, and support them through the difficult process of investigation and prosecution. Donate time and money to your local rape crisis/sexual assault center--most are under-funded and under-staffed. (To find a center in your area, see RAINN's listing of state coalitions against sexual assault.) If you are a college student, get involved by supporting (or starting) a campus program to help victims and raise awareness among students.

To start raising awareness, watch the following video from RAINN and then e-mail it to everyone you know that could benefit. You can also link to it or embed it on your blog or website.

Back to School Safety Tips

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has a safety fact sheet for older children going to and from school. It goes into detail about the usual stranger safety tips (for example, not accepting rides), but there are a few less obvious tips for parents:

Instruct your children to always take a friend, always stay in well-lit areas, never take shortcuts, and never go into isolated areas.

Instruct your children to leave items and clothing with their name on them at home. If anyone calls out their name, teach them to not be fooled or confused.

In the event your children may be lost or injured, make sure they carry a contact card with your name and telephone numbers such as work and cellular.

The fact sheet also includes safety rules for children. Here are two of them:

ALWAYS TAKE A FRIEND with you when walking, biking,or standing at the bus stop. Make sure you know your bus number and which bus to ride.

NEVER LEAVE SCHOOL GROUNDS before the regular school day ends. Always check with the office before leaving school early.

I encourage parents to read the entire fact sheet here. It's also available as a downloadable color poster in both English and Spanish.

Have a safe school year!

Teens Don't Twitter, Facebook Still Rules

Mashable reports that only 16% of those under 25 use Twitter. (This rather high age-range for teenagers is one many parents of young adults can easily agree with!) Their report comes via a Nielsen survey which notes that the Twitter trend remains largely an adult phenomenon. This is good news for parents still trying to catch-up on their teen's texting, MySpace, and Facebook communication. As Nielsen reports elsewhere, 83% of teen cell-phones users are texting, and nearly half of ages 12-17 visited MySpace and Facebook in one month (May 2009).

So why aren't teens joining their elders on Twitter? According to one 17-year-old's comment:

I think it's just because we're more into things like MySpace and FaceBook. They have more to do, so most teens probably get bored by twitter because they'll see it simply as updating their status, which they can do on other social networking sites, as well as loads of other things - such as photo albums and quizzes/games and commenting on each others walls.

Sixteen-year-old TechCrunch blogger, Daniel Brusilovsky, explains Why Teens Aren’t Using Twitter: It Doesn’t Feel Safe. He also provides a more targeted Twitter statistic for users ages 12-17 (11.3%).

In the meantime, parents still worry about how to protect their teen's safety and privacy on social networking sites. One way is for parents to sign-up for Facebook and "friend" their teen to gain access to his or her profile page. For this and other Facebook tips, see Lisa Belkin's Facebook for Parents - Motherlode Blog - NYTimes.com.

On the other hand, Teen Checkup's Sarah Newton discusses the cons of spying on your child online - Teens and Tracking Their Online Activity. She makes some good points about parental anxiety and trusting your child. Nonetheless, some basic safety steps seem warranted to me.

Here's a great place to start - NetSmartz411: Internet Safety Helpdesk

Keep Kids Safe This Summer

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has released Ten Safety Tips to Help Parents Keep Children Safe This Summer:

1. MAKE SURE children know their full names, address, telephone numbers and how to use the telephone.
2. BE SURE children know what to do in case of an emergency and how to reach you using cell phone or pager number. Children should have a neighbor or trusted adult they may call if they're scared or there's an emergency.
3. REVIEW the rules with your children about whose homes they may visit and discuss the boundaries of where they may and may not go in the neighborhood.
4. MAKE SURE children know to stay away from pools, creeks, or any body of water without adult supervision
5. CAUTION children to keep the door locked and not to open the door or talk to anyone who comes to the door when they are home alone.
6. DON'T drop your children off at malls, movies, video arcades or parks. These are not safe places for children to be alone. Make certain a responsible adult supervises your younger children at all times when they are outside and away from home.
7. TEACH your children in whose vehicle they may ride. Children should be cautioned to never approach any vehicle, occupied or not, unless accompanied by a parent or other trusted adult.
8. BE SURE your children know their curfew and check in with you if they are going to be late. If children are playing outside after dark, make sure they wear reflective clothing and stay close to home.
9. CHOOSE babysitters with care. Obtain references from family, friends, and neighbors. Many states now have registries for public access to check criminal history or sex-offender status. Observe the babysitter's interaction with your children, and ask your children how they feel about the babysitter.
10. CHECK out camp and other summer programs before enrolling your children. See if a background screening check is completed on the individuals working with the children. Make sure there will be adult supervision of your children at all times, and make sure you are made aware of all activities and field trips offered by the camp or program.

But what about teenagers?

I always recommend that parents pay close attention to the whereabouts of younger teenagers. Middle-schoolers in particular are more likely than younger children to be home alone during the summer. Ages of 12 to 15 are riskier due to lack of experience, immature decision-making, and an overwhelming desire to spend time with peers. They are more likely to have friends over while parents are at work, go somewhere without permission, and be enticed into forbidden activities by older teens they meet at the mall or other teen hang-outs. Because younger teens can't anticipate negative consequences that may arise in social situations, they are more likely than older teenagers to end up in unsafe circumstances beyond their control.

Some common-sense tips:

Contact friends' parents to confirm plans and adult supervision. Don't trust the older siblings of your child's friends to be good supervisors. Chaperone or discreetly shadow your teenager at the mall, movies, and other public venues.

Don't rely only on cell phone contact from your teen. It's too easy for them to disguise their location. Call home numbers to confirm your teen's whereabouts.

Don't make it too easy for teens to predict your schedule. Come home early once in awhile, drop by unexpectedly, and call at unpredictable times. This prevents them being able to count on leaving and getting back before you come home from work.

Assume you have to double-check all plans. At the same time, avoid giving your teen the impression that you don't trust him. Let her think that you are an anxious and over-protective parent. This will decrease power struggles and help your teen save face when he has to decline an invitation that breaks your rules.

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children also has a summer safety tip sheet for kids. Although written for children, the tips can still apply to young teens.

Please share any other parent tips you might have for child and teen safety and have a safe summer!

Teens, Distracted Driving, and ADHD

Here in Maryland, there’s been much ado about texting while driving. Although it was already banned for teenagers, there’s been a surprising amount of debate among legislators on whether to include adults in the ban.

Regardless, texting is just the latest activity (soon to be replaced by Twitter?) that has been tagged as a driving distraction along with cell phones, multiple passengers, changing music, and eating.

Until now, only teen drivers with graduated licenses were required to limit distractions after a series of highly publicized fatal crashes related to cell phone use and multiple passengers. It also made sense to target teens because being distracted by friends, entertainment, and other pastimes, instead of attending to the task at hand, is their normal state of being.

Spring Break Tips for Students

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) has issued a list of sexual assault prevention tips for college students headed off to spring break. The list is also good for high-school students during spring break, senior trips and beach week (or the local equivalent for the land-locked).

For details and how-to's, see the full article at RAINN's 2009 Spring Break Tips for Students.

• Trust your instincts. If you feel unsafe in any situation, go with your gut.

• Even though you're on vacation don't let your guard down completely.

• Form a buddy system.

• Avoid being alone or isolated with someone you don't know and trust.

• Practice safe drinking.

• Be aware of your surroundings.

• Secure your room or property.

• Make a plan.

• Be prepared.

• Report suspicious behavior.

RAINN is a great resource for sexual assault victims, family and friends, and helping professionals. They run an old-fashioned telephone National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE and an On-line Hotline for the tech-inclined.